...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
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If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
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And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
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