Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
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