i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
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