My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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