The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
She has an album entitled "my photography", which consists of about 80 different pictures of a tractor that she took on her cell phone. I'm all for freedom of expression, but come on.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Randomize
