She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i said i was sorry for his girlfriend's cancer diagnosis and he said "easy come, easy go" and tried to fuck me
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
Randomize
