Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
I told the guy that if he didn't put enough pepperoni to earn the name " pepperoni feast", that I was gonna sue him for all he had. Believe it or not, that's all I remember.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
when the repo soundtrack came on in the middle of us having sex i realized it was about time that i clear out my itunes library
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
At the bar in my pajamas again
Ummm that is the 3rd time this week and it is Wednesday
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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