There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Ok- my dad's ex-wife's Irish nephew. Weird if we fuck or not?
Sometimes I love sober logical me. She makes rare appearances but when she does she shines.
Someone came in the potted fern
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Randomize
