we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
