By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Randomize
