Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
