hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
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