mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
