There is something about drinking on a golf course and getting with younger women that just really makes me feel at home.
well you can't waste a boner
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
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