You're so nebulous sometimes
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
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I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
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You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
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