Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
You left your phone here
Wait...
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
