wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars
IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
