I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Randomize
