I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
It was beautiful and filled the audience with hope for the future. :3 I wish I could speak more but sleep werk nighty
I asked how you were doing?
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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