When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I'm pretty sure I said "this might be the last time I'm in here" but then I took his pants off so that's a mixed message
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
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