new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
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I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
She yelled "taste the gay rainbow" in a biker bar. She's either brave or fuckin stupid.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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