just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
well, you know. whores of a feather.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
