And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is Oprah even human
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
