Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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