Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I'm FaceTiming Pizza Hut.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
I just want a man in my bed on a regular basis, who cuddles, and who I can also occasionally hang out with outside of my bedroom. Is that too much to ask for?
Randomize
