I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
