One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was telling Jamie that she was too fat even for my standards. The first thing I remember after blacking out was waking up next to her.
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That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
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I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
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