she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
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