Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
You pole danced in your parka.
I thought I would be a proper lady and put my spare panties in a ziplock
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
