Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Come on the kid is gayer than me
Like the straightest thing he could do right now is take it up the butt
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
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Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
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It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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