Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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