he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I feel like on the last day of finals we should run around campus dressed like Moses screaming "LET MY PEOPLE GO!!!!"
I'll start the recruiting
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
Randomize
