Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Randomize
