fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
