They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Pretty sure the girl next to me in Chipotle just came out to her mom.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
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