it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Moan for me like Helen Keller
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize
