My liver just broke up with me...
sorry i interrupted the heart to heart you were having with your bathrobe last night
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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