Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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