the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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