Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
21 Ladies Confess The Grossest Things They Do When No One’s Around
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
I'm getting a collar when he gets back in to town! That's like the bdsm equivalent of getting his class ring!
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
23 Tweets I Thought Were Really Funny When I Was Drunk Yesterday
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Tell me again why we had to Facebook stalk your therapist?
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?