matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
I put on slutty clothes under my normal clothes, im like fucking super slutwoman
Best superhero ever to exist
I got my first tattoo & injured myself while having sex in a national monument. I say we consider this weekend siezed.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
