Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I am willing to take shots of vanilla extract. That's how this night has been.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
