You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
If I had that in my pants Omg I would want a shirt made so everyone knew
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Randomize
