For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
I'm having to shit out rocks
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