2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
