just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
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