Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
Randomize
