She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....
It was the best sex i've ever had.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
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Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
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Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
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