Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Mistakes were made. Hot mistakes that I want to make again. But tapping your employee is def a mistake. Esp in front of two other employees.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I wanted one last NYC adventure and I got it. Now I just have to figure out a polite way to wake up the pantless former stripper illegal Russian immigrant street violinist chick currently in a vodka coma in my bed.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
