On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
Randomize
