We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
walked into the kitchen nd asked my mom what smells like tuna she replies" your sister" now i cant eat tuna...EVER!!!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
