I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
I feel like dying is the new "adopt an african baby"
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
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