I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
