she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
