I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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