fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
Randomize
